The Haunted Mansion: The Series
by Mlle. Phoenix Fox
Summary: A sexy,modern Southern Belle entered a haunted house with benevolent spirits.ON HIATIUS
1. pilot: bootiful begining part 1

_**A/N: For my Phantom and the Secretary phans out there, I will be coming out with Chapter One of the Murder in the Bayou fic very soon. But I've been working and getting ready to head back to school. But I have started it! In the meantime, I've been in a Disney's Haunted Mansion kick lately. I love the movie (though I realize many others don't and I agree it could have been better). I really love the back story they used, cause I'm just a sucker for the Antebellum South and I love New Orleans! Plus, I'm a fashion major so I really enjoyed Mona May's costumes in this movie! And as weird as it sounds, I want to live in Gracey Manor! And that, dear reader is where I came up with this fic. It's in script form, and I wrote it as if it were a sitcom on ABC. So, as to my disclaimer, **_

_**THE AUTHOR OF THIS FAN FICTION DOES NOT OWN THE HAUNTED MANSION RIDE/MOVIE, THE ACTORS MENTIONED, OR THE ABC NETWORK. EXCEPT FOR THE ACTORS, WHO OWN THEMSELVES, THE DISNEY CORP. OWNS EVERYTHING, EXCEPT ORIGINAL CHARACTERS NOT ASSOCIATED WITH THE ORIGINAL CANON. **_

_**Okay, now that we're done with that, one more reminder. I know I said on my profile page I would be doing only the Phantom series, but I just want to try this out and see if people like it. I hope you do, read and review (Look at me, I'm Madame Leota!) **_

_**peace, love and lip gloss, **_

_**Mlle. Fox**_

_The Haunted Mansion:_

_The Series_

Coming to ABC this fall...

(creepy organ music; scary Paul Frees type narrator)

_Beware, foolish mortals!_

(Lighting crashes; fad in and zoom on Gracey Manor)

_For this, is Gracey Manor. A massive three story antebellum plantation deep in the heart of the Louisiana bayou just outside of New Orleans. A place once filled with laughter, joy, grand parties, dancing and above all; hope. _

(clips of Mardi Gras masque and dancing)

_Then, a dark spirit overtook the place, making it into a creature of fallen French shutters, cobwebs, decay and a gathering place for the very dead. _

(clip of Edward Gracey crying over Elizabeth, carrying her upstairs amidst the party, flying into a rage at his desk, then hanging by his neck in the attic)

_Now, another presence has filled the house. A presence that may either restore or destroy the haunted mansion once and for all._

(Scene shows beautiful young woman extending hand to Edward Gracey)

"Hi! I'm Leslie Daniels!"

(woman screams)

_Scared yet?_

Edward: "How is it possible for a beautiful charming young woman to have the unmitigated gall to waltz into our lives and completely take over the house?" (clip of Leslie smiling and batting eyes)

Ramsley: (dryly) "Especially considering we're all dead, sir!"

(scenes of graveyard, ghosts flying around ballroom and Leslie screaming and running; Leslie bumps into Edward and cowers)

Leslie: "You're all ghosts!

(clip of Ezra and Emma)

Ezra: "That's kinda the nature of being dead!

_Starring Nathaniel Parker..._

"Edward. Edward Gracey"

_...Terrance Stamp..._

Ramsley: "That actor that portrayed me in that motion picture made me come off as a maniacal, controlling villain!"

Leslie: "Yeah and we all know you're really a maniacal, controlling sweetheart!"(AL)

_...Wallace Shawn..._

"This is unspeakable! Unspeakable!"

...Dina Waters...

Emma: "Will you stop for directions?"

Ezra: "I'm not lost! I'm just trying to get my bearings!

Emma: "Yeah right! You said the same thing on our wedding night! (audience laughs)

_...and Stacey St. Claire as the lively new resident of Gracey Manor..._

Leslie: Then I'm moving in! You can't get a hold of Gracey Manor if I live here! So there! (Sticks tongue out)

_...with Jennifer Tilly as Madame Leota_

(clip of Leota in seance room)

"Goblins and ghoulies from last Halloween! Awaken the spirits with your tambourine!"

Leslie: "Who are you? Dr. Seuss,' wife?" (AL)

_Coming to Mondays on ABC this fall..._

_the creeps..._

(clip of breathing door and moving busts in gallery)

_the shrieks..._

(clips of attacking zombies)

_the laughs!_

Leslie: (To Ramsley) "Is he single?"

Ramsley: "He's in mourning over his lost love. His heart is broken."

Leslie: "So he's on the rebound? (turns) I might actually have a shot! (audience laughs)

_And the happy haunts..._

(clip of hitchhiking ghosts)

_are dying to meet you!_

Emma: (giggles) We're just one big happy family!

Ezra:...who just happens to be dead!

(lightning crashes, fads to black)

(FAD IN ON GRACEY MANSION EXTERIOR; MAIL TRUCK COMES UP THE DRIVEWAY AND STOPS. YOUNG BLACK POSTAL WORKER IN OVERSIZED BAGGY CLOTHES STEPS OUT. TAKES OUT BUNDLE OF LETTERS. CLOSE UP OF LETTER READS 'LESLIE DANIELS, GRACEY MANOR, 666 PAUL FREES DRIVE, NEW ORLEANS, LA, 40555'. SHE LOOKS UP WARILY AT THE HOUSE. ON TOP OF THE HOUSE, RAVEN CRIES OUT. POSTAL WORKER CAUTIOUSLY GOES UP STEPS AND KNOCKS ON DOOR WITH GIANT KNOCKER. THEN RINGS DOORBELL, (DUM, DUM, DA DUM! DA-DUM-DUM DA-DA DUM!) SHE KNITS FOREHEAD; AUDIENCE LAUGHS. FOOTSTEPS HEARD AND DOOR CREAKS OPEN. REVEALS SHORT, CURVY YOUNG BRUNETTE IN JEANS, SPIKE HEEL BOOTS AND TWEED JACKET; SPEAKS IN HEAVY SOUTHERN ACCENT)

LESLIE: "Hi! Can I help you?"

POSTAL WORKER: "Hi...I'm Carrie-Ann Phelps your mail delivery person? I didn't see a mailbox or anything so I thought I'd bring it to the door! (HANDS HER MAIL)

LESLIE: "Oh, thank you! Say since you wasted half a tank of gas coming up the driveway would ya like to come in a second and have some lemonade?" (AL)

CARRIE-ANN: (STEPS IN) "Sure! I'm ahead of schedule anyway!" (CAMERA PANS ROOM; SEES ORNATE AND RICHLY DECORATED MARBLE AND WOODEN FOYER WITH DOUBLE STAIRCASE) Wow! This place looks just like that Haunted Mansion movie!

LESLIE: That's cause it is!

CARRIE-ANN: Pardon?

LESLIE: A little known fact is the original Disney Imagineers based the ride off this house. And when the filmmakers heard this was a source of inspiration for them, they borrowed a few things from the house and it's history!

CARRIE-ANN: Really? Huh! You know, my co-workers tried to tell me this place is haunted? Guess I have to break it to them that they were wrong! (LAUGHS WITH LESLIE)

LESLIE: Let me just call for the butler! (SHOUTS) Ram-SLEY! (AL)

CARRIE-ANN: You even have a butler named Ramsley? How many facts did the film borrow? (RAMSLEY MANIFESTS IN A WISP OF GHOST SMOKE; CARRIE -ANN GASPS AND FAINTS)

LESLIE: (DRYLY) More than you'd think! (AL; FAD TO BLACK.)

OPENING CREDITS

THE HAUNTED MANSION

(TITLE SEQUENCE SHOWS ART GALLERY WITH LIGHTNING STRIKING. RAVEN'S SONG 'SUPERSTITION" PLAYS. ZOOM IN ON PORTRAIT OF **NATHANIEL PARKER. **PORTRAIT MOVES FROM STANDING STRAIGHT BEHIND ARMCHAIR TO SMILING AND LEANING ON BACK OF CHAIR WITH ELBOW.

ZOOM LEFT TO PORTRAIT OF **TERRANCE STAMP **STANDING STRAIGHT WITH ARMS BEHIND BACK AND STOIC EXPRESSION. PORTRAIT MOVES TO SHOW RAMSLEY FLICKING LINT OF SHOULDER AND TURNING UP THE CORNER OF HIS LIPS.

ZOOM LEFT TO BREATHING DOOR

ZOOM LEFT TO DOUBLE PORTRAIT OF **WALLACE SHAWN **AND **DINA WATERS**, STANDING LIKE PAINTING OF "AMERICAN GOTHIC" WITH GRACEY MANOR IN BACKGROUND, EMMA HOLDING A FEATHER DUSTER. PORTRAIT MOVES TO HAVE EMMA DUST VASE OUTSIDE PORTRAIT IN HALLWAY AND EZRA TO ROLL EYES.

ZOOM LEFT TO 'PORTRAIT' OF **STACEY ST.CLAIRE **SMILING. ADJUSTS HAIR; CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL PORTRAIT IS A MIRROR AND LESLIE TURNS TO AUDIENCE. CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND ROOM CHANGES TO BALLROOM. GHOSTS FLY IN WINDOWS AND OTHERS DRESS IN COSTUME DANCE ALL AROUND. CAST STANDS IN FRONT OF ORGAN AND SMILES AT CAMERA. **JENNIFER TILLY **AS MADAME LEOTA FLOATS UP IN FLOWING GREEN BALL AS A HEAD, ZOOMS IN ON CAMERA. FADS TO BLACK.

(FAD IN ON FOYER, LESLIE TURNS TO RAMSLEY)

LESLIE: Why for the love of Mother Dixie did you do that? You know you ain't suppose to be ghost-like in front of folk! (KNEELS BY CARRIE-ANN)

RAMSLEY: I thought it was another one of those lunatic Haunted Mansion fans trying to see the real Gracey Manor! They drive me to a terrible distraction!

LESLIE: (PATS CARRIE-ANN'S HAND) They don't mean a harm! They just love the ride and the movie so much they go a little overboard!

RAMSLEY: Need I remind you Miss, of the last time I encountered one of those so-called "harmless fans"? He snuck into the ballroom and tried to cast an incantation to open the gates of Hell in the fireplace! When that didn't work, he tried to throw me in thinking it would open up then! BAH! I could just wring that Terrance Stamp's neck! (AL) That actor that portrayed me in that motion picture made me come off as a maniacal, controlling villain!

LESLIE: (LOOKS UP AT HIM) Yeah and we all know you're really a maniacal, controlling sweetheart!"(AL)

RAMSLEY: (LOOKS BLANKLY AT HER) Thank you, Miss! That truly made me feel better! (AL)

LESLIE: Look Ramsley, tell you what. You wanna prove you ain't some evil ghost hell bent on scaring innocent mortals? Then help me pick up the postal worker ya terrified into a COMA! (AL)

RAMSLEY: Certainly Miss. (RAISES HAND AND CARRIE-ANN BEGINS TO FLOAT UP INTO THE AIR)

LESLIE: You know, you coulda just picked her up in your arms and worked up a sweat shelping her into the library! (AL)

RAMSLEY: I don't sweat Miss. And I certainly don't "shelp"! (AL; RAMSLEY TAKES CARRIE-ANN INTO LIBRARY, LESLIE SIGHS AND GETS UP TO FOLLOW)

(INTERIOR LIBRARY; EZRA SERVES EDWARD A BRANDY ON A SILVER PLATTER. SITTING ON THE RED COUCH, EDWARD TAKES DRINK)

EDWARD: Thank you Ezra.

EZRA: You're welcome Sir! (CURTAIN DRAWS BACK REVEALING CARRIE-ANN FOLLOWED BY RAMSLEY; EDWARD STANDS)

EDWARD: What the devil happen! (ENTER LESLIE)

LESLIE: (WAVES HIM OFF AND TAKES DRINK) Oh Ramsley just made the postal worker so welcome she decided to take a nap on the floor! (DOWNS DRINK LIKE A SHOT; AL)

EDWARD: Why do I ask you anything?

LESLIE: Cause I'm usually right? (AL)

EDWARD: (TO RAMSLEY AS CARRIE-ANN IS LOWERED ONTO THE COUCH) What happened?

RAMSLEY: I accidentally manifested in front of her. Had I but known she was an invited guest...

LESLIE: Now wait just a cotton pickin' minute you pale imitation of a British accent! (AL) How am I suppose to know where you spooks are in the house? Huh? I mean what do you want me to do when company comes over, give ya hand signals? (IMITATES BASEBALL COACH GIVING SIGNALS, AL)

RAMSLEY: It would be useful, Miss.

LESLIE: (PAUSES; TO EDWARD) You were never sarcastic to him as a kid were ya? (AL; CARRIE-ANN STARTS TO WAKE UP)

EZRA: She's waking up! (ALL SCRAMBLE OVER TO LEAN INTO HER FACE. CLOSE UP ON CARRIE-ANN AS SHE OPENS EYES AND SCREAMS; ALL JUMP IN SURPRISE. LES COVERS MOUTH WITH HAND; AL)

LESLIE: Now...If I let go, will you promise not to scream? (CARRIE-ANN NODS THEN YELLS SECOND LES TAKES HAND AWAY. LES COVERS MOUTH AGAIN AND GIVES HER A POINTED LOOK. LES LETS GO. CARRIE-ANN SCREAMS, AND LES COVERS HER MOUTH AGAIN. THIS IS REPEATED ABOUT FOUR OR FIVE TIMES WHILE AL. FINALLY, CARRIE-ANN IS QUIET)

CARRIE-ANN: Sorry! But you do know your butler is a ghost, right?

LESLIE: Is Oprah finally managing her weight problem? (AL)

CARRIE-ANN: (LOOKS AROUND AT OTHERS) Are all of you ghosts?

EDWARD: I'm afraid so. Edward Gracey at your service Miss...?

CARRIE-ANN: Phelps...Mr. Dead-Guy Sir! (AL) .

LESLIE: I suppose you're wondering about this whole situation huh?

CARRIE-ANN: Ya think? (AL)

LESLIE: (SITS ON COUCH NEXT TO CARRIE-ANN) Well I'll tell ya but only if ya promise not to send the story down the line to oh say, the National Enquirer?(AL)

CARRIE-ANN: (NODS) I promise.

LESLIE: Well, it started out two years ago. I was working for a Mr. Joe Tompkins. He was a real estate developer and he had a mind to nab a really big fish...(FLASHBACK DISSOLVE INTO INTERIOR OFFICE, DAY. AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AS **BRUCE CAMPBELL** TURNS AROUND WITH PICTURE IN HIS HAND. HE'S WEARING AN EXPENSIVE SUIT AND SMOKING A FINE CIGAR. WHEN HE TALKS, IMAGINE SLIME ON ROLLER SKATES. LES IS SITTING BEFORE HIS DESK DRESSED IN A SMART SKIRT SUIT.

TOMPKINS: (TAKES OUT CIGAR) Gracey Manor, Les. That's our ticket to fame and glory! If we own that property, we'll be richer before you can say, "Mini-Mall'! (AL AS HE PUTS CIGAR BACK IN MOUTH)

LESLIE: (TAKES PICTURE AND SIGHS DREAMILY) It's a shame we can't keep it the way it is! It's the house I woulda lived in if I lived in the Old South. I could just see myself sitting on the front porch sippin' tea with matrons, then flirting with about...half a dozen young rich beaus under a bonnet and parasol, then gettin' whisked away for a dance at a grand ball in the arms of a most charming gentleman!

TOMPKINS: (TALKS WITH CIGAR IN TEETH) Trust me, we'll make more money tearing the place down and selling the land to Wal-Mart!

LESLIE: (DRYLY) Oh yeah! Like the South doesn't have enough of those! (AL)

TOMPKINS: (RUBS CIGAR OUT) Trust me Babe! Stick with me, and you can buy a half dozen old plantations! If you check the property out for me, I'll make you partner...

LESLIE: (EXCITINGLY) Really?

TOMPKINS: Yeah! And don't worry about Gracey Manor. It's practically nothing but swampland now! We'll be doing the county a favor getting rid of the mosquitoes!

LESLIE: But why do we have to have the deed? Doesn't the state law say that any home abandoned of living residents becomes property of the state?

TOMPKINS: Of the state! But if we want that land, we have to have the deed!

LESLIE: Why?

TOMPKINS: (WAVES IDEA OFF) Apparently one of the owners set up the estate so the house can't be sold without physical procession of the deed! Now look, all I want you to do is look around the mansion and find the deed. You should be finished in...oh...thirty minutes tops. Then just call me on my cell and I'll pick you up and we can celebrate with a little romantic candlelit dinner! (LEANS IN TO KISS LES, BUT SHE SMILES AND STOPS LIPS WITH FINGER, AL)

LESLIE: With your wife, right? (Audience: "Woo!")

TOMPKINS: (SHRUGS) Not necessarily! (LES PICKS UP PURSE AND EXITS)

LESLIE: Sorry, Joe! I don't date married men unless I'm married to them! (AL AND APPLAUSE)

(LATER THAT DAY; EXTERIOR GRACEY MANOR; A FALLEN DECAYED SPOOKY OLD MANSION SURROUNDED BY SWAMP WATER. TAXI STOPS AT GATE, LES GETS OUT; SIGHS)

LESLIE: I was definitely born in the wrong time! (TURNS TO CAB) How much do I owe ya? (LOOKS UP, SEES CAB SPEEDING AWAY; LES SHRUGS)

Guess he took an diuretic! (AL; WALKS TO GATE, SEES IT LOCKED. TURNS AROUND TO MESS WITH BRIEFCASE, GATE CREAKS OPEN ON IT'S OWN. LES LOOKS UP AT IT CONFUSED. SHRUGS; STARTS WALKING UP DRIVE. CAMERA TAKES POV OF UPSTAIRS WINDOW. CURTAIN DRAWN BACK AND SEES LES STEP ON SOMETHING WITH A SQUISH. AL. AS LES COMICALLY MAKES A DISGUSTED FACE, EDWARD TALKS TO RAMSLEY OVER SHOULDER. BOTH BACKS ARE TURNED SO WE DON'T SEE THEIR FACES)

EDWARD: Who is that?

RAMSLEY: I shall meet her at the door and see, Sir.

EDWARD: Thank you Ramsley.

(EXTERIOR MANOR; LES GOES TO DOOR, KNOCKS ON DOOR. WAITS. RAISES HAND TO KNOCK AGAIN. DOOR CREAKS OPEN ON ITS OWN. LES ENTERS.

LESLIE: (MUTTERS; LOOKS AROUND) Must have a sensor on the door or somethin'! (AL; LOOKS AROUND. FOYER IS A BEAUTIFUL MARBLE AND WOODEN CREATION WITH LUSH PERSIAN RUGS AND A GRAND DOUBLE STAIRCASE WITH A BUILT IN CLOCK ABOVE THE ENTRYWAY TO THE ARMORY. EVERYTHING IS LIT WITH CANDLES AND A CHANDELIER AND A COLLECTION OF COBWEBS HANGING FROM THE CEILING. LES WRINKLES BROW.

LESLIE: Candles? Who's living here to light candles?

(TURNS AROUND AND JUMPS. RAMSLEY; A DISTINGUISHED PALE SILVER HAIRED ELDER GENTLEMAN IN A FORMAL NAVY UNIFORM AND WHITE COTTON GLOVES IS STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER AND HE WASN'T THERE A SECOND AGO.

RAMSLEY: May I help you Miss?

LESLIE: (CATCHES BREATH) I'm sorry! I was told no one lived here! I wouldn't have come in if I'd known...(ON TOP OF STAIRS, EDWARD LEANS OVER TRYING TO SEE NEWCOMER, BREAKS OFF WOODEN PIECE OF STAIR CAUSING A GREAT DEAL OF NOISE; AL AT HIS ATTEMPTS TO FIX IT.)

LESLIE: (LEANS OVER TRYING TO SEE FIGURE ON STAIRS) I'm guessing that ain't just the cat!

RAMSLEY: Well, I have considered putting him out at night Miss! (AL)

EDWARD: (REGAINS REGAL COMPOSURE; WALKS DOWN STAIRS) Ramsley! Who is it?

RAMSLEY: I was just about to find out Sir!

LESLIE: (SCRAMBLES TO FIND BUSINESS CARD AND IS RAMBLING) Sir, I am so sorry! I was told no one was living here! Course, that's my boss all over! He never tells me anything important and never gets the facts straight. My old dog could tell me more than he could! Anyway he sent me over to look over the land and see if the house was available. My boss not my dog! (AL; EDWARD STOPS IN FRONT OF LESLIE AND LOOKS ASIDE AT RAMSLEY AS SHE'S GOING ON AND ON. LES LOOKS UP AND GETS FIRST GOOD LOOK AT EDWARD. HE'S TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME; WITH BROWN HAIR AND SIDEBURNS AND TASTEFULLY DRESSED IN OLD FASHIONED BUT BEAUTIFUL AND JUST SLIGHTLY DISHEVELED CLOTHES. SHE SMILES AND EXTENDS HAND)

LESLIE: "Hi! I'm Leslie Daniels!"

EDWARD: (TAKES HAND AND KISSES THE BACK) Edward. Edward Gracey!

LESLIE: (SMILES AND SAYS PRACTICALLY IN A PURR) Mmm! Do I actually detect a real live gentleman before me?

EDWARD: (FLATTERED) That is entirely a matter of opinion, Miss Daniels!

LESLIE: (GIVES HIM A LITTLE WINK) Then I'm gonna have to stick round long enough to gain an opinion won't I?

RAMSLEY: (CLEARS THROAT)

EDWARD: (BACKS AWAY AND PUTS HANDS BEHIND BACK) What business did you say you had here, Miss Daniels?

LESLIE: (SNAPS FINGERS AS IF SHE REMEMBERS SOMETHING, DIGS UNDER SHIRT AND PULLS BUSINESS CARD OUT OF HER BRA AND HANDS IT TO EDWARD) I'm a real estate developer and my company wishes to know if the house is for sale?

EDWARD (NERVOUS CHUCKLE AS HE FUMBLES WITH CARD) Still warm! Uh-hum! (AL) But as to the matter of hand, I'm afraid the house isn't for sale!

LESLIE: (RELIVED) Well I'm glad! If you'll allow me to wait on your front porch for my boss to come pick me up...

EDWARD: (HESITATES) Uh-actually I believe it's going to rain. So why don't you join me for supper while you wait for your employer?

LESLIE: (MAKES FOR FRONT DOOR) Oh no! I wouldn't want to impose! Sides it's beautiful out, not a cloud in the sky! (OPENS DOOR; SEES HEAVY DOWNPOUR. LIGHTNING CRASHES, LES CLOSES DOOR) Maybe I could impose for just a spell!(AL)

(FAD TO RAMSLEY AND EDWARD IN LIBRARY, A FEW MINUTES LATER. RAMSLEY SERVES EDWARD A DRINK)

EDWARD: (TAKES DRINKS, DOWNS LIKE A SHOT) Thank you Ramsley!

RAMSLEY: I take it Sir, you really desired Miss Daniels company since you created an instant rainstorm!

EDWARD: I don't even know why!

RAMSLEY: You don't Sir?

EDWARD: (CROSSES RIGHT TO CONSERVATORY) I just felt that...that she needed to be here! Like the fate of the house rested on her shoulders! Is that as strange as it sounds?

RAMSLEY: Totally Sir! (AL)

EDWARD (SITS GLASS ON CABINET, CROSSED OVER TO DESK IN FRONT OF FIREPLACE, PULLS BACK HEAD OF SMALL MARBLE BUST. A BUILT-IN BOOKCASE SLIDES BACK REVEALING A SECRET PASSAGEWAY. ) I'm going to talk with the gypsy. See to our guest's needs won't you?

RAMSLEY: Certainly Sir. (EDWARD WALKS INTO PASSAGEWAY.)

(SCENE CHANGES TO LES TALKING ON OLD PRINCESS PHONE)

TOMPKINS: (OFF-SCREEN; OVER PHONE) I don't understand it! I was sure the last Gracey died years ago!

LESLIE: Sorry to disappoint ya Joe, but there's living, breathing human beings in this house! (OVER SHOULDER, TWO HEADS POP OUT OF WALL IN BLUE MIST; AL; THEY POKE HEADS BACK IN, CUT TO KITCHEN, THE HEADS BELONG TO EMMA, A BLOODSHOT EYED MAID AND EZRA, A SHORT BALD FOOTMAN WITH LONG FRIZZY SIDEBURNS)

EZRA: If only she knew! (AL)

EMMA: (SMACKS HIS SHOULDER) Shush! I'm trying to listen!

EZRA: Why on earth did the Master invite her to dinner? She'll just poke her nose where it doesn't belong!

EMMA: (TURNS BACK TO WALL) Well, she's a very pretty girl!

EZRA: Oh please! The Master is still mooning over Miss Elizabeth! He could never fall in love again! He can't even fall! He's a...(RAMSLEY ENTERS THROUGH DOORWAY)

RAMSLEY: A what, Mister Ezra?

EZRA: (JUMPS WITH EMMA AND STANDS UP STRAIGHT AT ATTENTION) Well, you know Sir! Besides being a handsome, wonderful charming man...

EMMA: Charming! (AL)

EZRA: (CONTINUES) ...He's in no condition to fall in love again!

RAMSLEY: That is the Master's business! Your business is to prepare dinner! Not snoop on the Master's guest! Now get back to work!

EMMA: (CURTSIES AS RAMSLEY EXITS) Yes sir!

EZRA: See was you did? You got us in trouble!

EMMA: (GOES TO KITCHEN ISLAND TO START STUFFING CHICKEN) ME? You were the one that suggested we listen in on her phone call! (AL)

EZRA: But who went along with it? (AL; EMMA SIGHS. CUT BACK TO LESLIE ON PHONE)

LESLIE: Well, I better get washed up for supper!

TOMPKINS: (CUT TO HIM IN OFFICE ON SPEAKERPHONE, SHAVING) Les, don't get too cozy. I don't like this idea of you being invited to dinner!

LESLIE: (OFF SCREEN; ON PHONE, STATIC) What?...What, I can't hear you!

TOMPKINS: Les? Leslie? (PICKS UP PHONE JUST AS IF GOES DEAD)

(PRE-RECORDING) _We're sorry. But the number you called has been disconnected! Please, hang up, and try again! (HANGS UP PHONE; RUSHES OUT DOOR GRABBING JACKET) _

LESLIE: (HANGS UP PHONE) That was creepy! (TURNS, JUMPS AS RAMSLEY IS BEHIND HER AGAIN)

RAMSLEY: Actually Miss. The phone always goes out during a rainstorm!

LESLIE: (WAVES FINGER AROUND AS IF MAKING A POINT) Ramsley, word of advice. Don't sneak up on folk from the South. You never know which one of us is packin'! (AL)

RAMSLEY: Packing, Miss? As in, carrying a firearm?

LESLIE: No, as in I'm loadin' up my suitcases and headin' to Bonos Aries! (AL AND APPLAUSE AS SHE ROLLS EYES)

RAMSLEY: Very good Miss. Supper shall be ready shortly. Would you like to wait in the ballroom? The dinner table is set up.

LESLIE: Oh! How lovely! Thank you Ramsley! (FOLLOWS HIM DOWN THE HALL IN A PERFECT STRAIGHT LINE) So Ramsley, I take it you've never failed a sobriety test? (AL)

(SCENE CUTS TO SMALL SEANCE ROOM. THE WALLS ARE COVERED IN PERSIAN TAPESTRIES AND ON THE TABLE SITS A GLOWING GREEN CRYSTAL BALL. INSIDE IS THE HEAD OF A REDHEADED GYPSY WITH WILD CURLY HAIR.)

EDWARD: (PACES BEFORE HER) So did I do the right thing? I mean...there must be a reason I invited her to stay...isn't there, Madame Leota?

LEOTA: The future is unclear. But I see that she has been brought here to fulfill her destiny. But the spirits won't say if her destiny is to restore or destroy. She will bring sorrow and she will bring joy!

EDWARD: (EXITS) Glad the spirits are so specific! (AL)

(SCENE CUTS TO BALLROOM. IT'S AN ELEGANT LARGE ROOM WITH PAINTED MARBLE FLOORS, TALL FRENCH WINDOWS AND AN ORGAN AT ONE END WITH A STAIRCASE AROUND THE ORGAN LEADING TO A BALCONY ON THE SECOND FLOOR. IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM IS A LARGE DINING ROOM TABLE WITH TEN CHAIRS. LES SLIDES FINGER ALONG BACK OF ONE, THEN WANDERS OVER TO WALK-IN BRASS FIREPLACE. WARMS HANDS BY FIRE. EDWARD ENTERS. STOPS AND STARES AT HER BACK. HE CERTAINLY HAS NEVER SEEN A WOMAN DRESSED IN SUCH A SHORT AND TIGHT SUIT BEFORE. NOR HAS HE SEEN ONE FILL IT OUT SO BEAUTIFULLY. CLEARS THROAT)

EDWARD: I trust I haven't kept you waiting?

LESLIE: Oh no! I walk just tryin' not to fall into your fireplace there! Did they make it that big so Santa can get up and down ok? (AL)

EDWARD: (STEPS FORWARD) No, actually my father salvaged this fireplace from a burnt down castle in Scotland. The locals said it was cursed so he got it and that organ for a fairly good price!

LESLIE: Oh really? That's like my Uncle Jake this one time he found a complete sectional sofa at the Peddler's Antique Mall and Bait Stop. (AL) Plastic on it and everything! It was like he had found the Holy Grail of Redneck Decor! (AL AND APPLAUSE)

EDWARD: (LAUGHS WITH HER) Really?

LESLIE: Yeah, and then My Aunt Ginny. She found at a yard sale...a real live knockoff of a dress Nicole Kidman wore to the Golden Globes! (AL) A perfect copy! She had to lose thirty pounds before she could fit into it, but she got it for a buck-forty-five! (AL) Just goes to show ya. Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, all them lose weight a pound a month places might work in the long run if you pay them enough, but you give a woman a size six knockoff couture gown for next to nothing or better, that weight will just melt right off! (SNAPS FINGERS; AL)

RAMSLEY: (ENTERS, OVER HIS SHOULDER, EMMA AND EZRA ROLL IN A SERVING CART) Dinner is served!

EDWARD: (EXTENDS ARM TO TABLE OFFERS ARM) Shall we?

LESLIE: (TAKES ARM) Oh! How lovely!

EDWARD: (ESCORTS LES TO CHAIR AT END OF TABLE, PULLS OUT CHAIR FOR HER) I hope you like roasted chicken!

LESLIE: (SITS) Oh I love it! I was weaned on KFC! (AL; EMMA PLOPS CHICKEN BREAST THAT IS SLIGHTLY BURNT AND A LITTLE GREEN ON THE PLATE. AUDIENCE: "Ewww!" LESLIE SMILES WITH HINT OF DISGUST ON HER PLATE UP AT EMMA) Yummy! (AL)

(AN HOUR LATER, EDWARD IS SITTING AT THE OTHER END, BAKED ALASKA IS ON THEIR PLATES)

EDWARD: This house is my inheritance! It wasn't my birthright at first, because my older brother and my older sister died while I was a child.

LESLIE: (SYMPATHETIC) My condolences.

EDWARD: Thank you! So I have been the Master of this house since my father died!

LESLIE: Oh, you must just love living here!

EDWARD: (SIPS WINE)

RAMSLEY: (STANDING BY HIS SIDE) He wishes! (AL)

LESLIE: I mean this house! It's so gorgeous! Well it's a little run down but Lands Sakes! The history! The grandeur! I'm so jealous! As a girl I would dream about living in a grand place like this!

EDWARD: Well Miss Daniels you do realize that being the lady of a house like this is no easy task!

LESLIE: Oh I know! Everyone thinks Southern Belles were stuck up, pampered little poodles but My Grandma told me how they were educated in art, literature, science, economics and the feminine arts. They ran the house and the family plantation. Men might have fought the wars and built the railroads and made the laws, but without women, the South wouldn't have legs to stand on!(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

EDWARD: (AMAZED) I've always felt that way about women! Especially after watching my mother run the household so many years! I never thought I'd meet a woman who I felt could run the house like she could...(HESITATES AS IF REMEMBERS SOMETHING TROUBLING) However, there are...certain situations a woman may not be equipped to handle. Tell me Miss Daniels...do you believe...in...ghosts?

LESLIE: (LAUGHS; SIPS WINE) Ghosts? Please! And Pamela Anderson was born with that figure!(AL)

EDWARD: So you don't believe in ghosts?

LESLIE: There is a supernatural world to be sure, but why would dead folks hang around this earth any more than they had to? It just seems silly is all!

EDWARD: Perhaps. But perhaps it is sillier to take your chances and not believe in ghosts!

LESLIE: (CATCHES HIS HIDDEN WARNING) What are you suggesting?

RAMSLEY: (STANDING AT WINDOW LOOKING OUT, INTERRUPTS) The storm has swollen the river!

LESLIE: Say again?

RAMSLEY: (CROSSES NEXT TO EDWARD'S SIDE) The storm has flooded the road! I'm afraid there shall be no leaving the manor tonight!

LESLIE: (GETS UP, RUNS TO LOOK OUT WINDOW) Are you sure! Oh Lord! Surely it can't be that bad can it? Is that a possum floating by? (AL)

EDWARD: (GETS UP AND JOINS HER BY THE WINDOW; SAYS DARKLY) Oh course you are more than welcome to spend the night...here! (LIGHTNING CRASHES)

LESLIE: (GULPS) Su casa es me casa! (AL)

(A FEW MINUTES LATER; EDWARD ESCORTING LES TO HER ROOM WITH RAMSLEY FOLLOWING WITH A CANDELABRA, STOPS AND SMILES)

EDWARD: Pleasant dreams Miss Daniels! Do you require a change of clothing? Or at least a nightgown?

LESLIE: (SMILES SEDUCTIVELY) No, I'll just...sleep in my slip! No need to bother ya for anything! (WINKS; AUDIENCE: "WOO!")

EDWARD: (GULPS; NERVOUS CHUCKLE CLEARS THROAT AND LEAVES) Goodnight Miss Daniels!

LESLIE: (USED POINTER FINGER TO BECKON RAMSLEY CLOSER) Ramsley! Level with me! Is he single?

Ramsley: He's in mourning over his lost love. His heart is broken.

Leslie: So he's on the rebound? (turns) I might actually have a shot! (AL)

(SCENE CHANGES TO EXTERIOR GATE. TOMPKINS DRIVES UP IN SUV COVERED WITH MUD. GETS OUT, STARTS GETTING SOAKED WITH HEAVY RAIN. CAMERA TAKES HIS POV AS HEADLIGHTS SHINE ON HOUSE. GETS BACK IN, BUT CAR DIES ON HIM. BEATS DASHBOARD AND GETS OUT. SEEING GATE IS LOCKED, HE STARTS CLIMBING OVER WALL. WHEN HE JUMPS DOWN TO THE OTHER SIDE, GATE CREAKS OPEN. AL)

TOMPKINS: (SHRUGS) Figures! (AL; STARTS TO HEAD TO HOUSE)

(SCENE CUTS TO INTERIOR BEDROOM; LES TAKES OFF JACKET, SMELLS BOTTLE OF PERFUME, MAKES FUNNY FACE: AL. OPENS MEDIUM SIZED WOODEN BOX ON TABLE. IT'S A MUSIC BOX WITH A DELIGHTFUL AND HAUNTING MELODY WITH A FIGURE OF A WHITE MAN WITH A BLACK WOMAN IN VICTORIAN CLOTHING WALTZING. )

LESLIE: (SMILES) How pretty! (LOW SCRAPING SOUND IS HEARD BEHIND HER. TURNS AND SEES FIREPLACE HAS SHIFTED AWAY TO REVEAL A SECRET PASSAGEWAY. LES LOOKS INSIDE AND STEPS IN SAYING) This place is better that Walt Disney World! (AL)

(CAMERA FOLLOWS LES DOWN DARK TUNNEL. TUNNEL STOPS AT A WALL WITH TWO HOLES. LES LOOKS IN HOLES. SEES LONG HALLWAY. PUSHES ON WALL AND FINDS IT OPENS. LES STEPS THROUGH AND FINDS WALL IS A PAINTING. BEGINS TO WALK THROUGH HALLWAY. AS SHE PASSES THE PORTRAITS, THEY TURN INTO IMAGES OF DEATH. AS SHE PASSES THE MARBLE BUSTS, THEY TURN THEIR HEADS TO WATCH HER AS SHE ROUNDS A CORNER. ALL OF THIS HAPPENS RIGHT AFTER SHE PASSES BY, SO SHE DOESN'T KNOW YET. SHE SEES A DOOR. IT IS ACTUALLY PULSING AND THE WOOD IS CONTRACTING LIKE IT'S BREATHING)

LESLIE: (EYES WIDE) Must have a lot of warped woodwork! (AL; OPENS DOOR AND FINDS ANOTHER HALLWAY, THIS TIME, HELD UP BY WROUGHT IRON BEAMS. FOLLOWS CHANTING INTO SEANCE ROOM, SEES NO ONE)

Hello? Is anyone here?

LEOTA: (TURNS IN BALL TO FACE HER, LES JUMPS IN FEAR) I am Madame Leota! Seer of all! Voice to the spirits!

LES: Oh sweet Jes...(ARMCHAIR SLIDES IN ROOM AND PINS LES TO THE TABLE) Hey! Hey! Let me go!

LEOTA: Silence! You must make a choice this night!

LESLIE: (STRUGGLES) Yeah what underwear do I get after I have to change my current pair! (AL)

LEOTA: Goblins and ghoulies from last Halloween! Awaken the spirits with your tambourine!

Leslie: Who are you? Dr. Seuss,' wife? (AL)

LEOTA: (STARTS TO FLOAT UP IN AIR WITH LES AND TABLE) The Spirits are clear! You must make a choice between a man who holds the key to where your true path is found or a man who will keep you oppressed and bound! (EVERYTHING STARTS TO SPIN AROUND THE ROOM VERY FAST)

LESLIE: I just ate! (AL)

LEOTA: Go! Go! Make your choice! Choose your fate! (CREEPY VOICES START TO WHISPER)

_Choose your fate! Choose your fate! _(SUDDENLY, EVERYTHING FALLS TO THE GROUND AGAIN, LES IS STUNNED FOR A MOMENT BEFORE STUMBLING OUT OF ROOM)

(SCENE CUTS TO LIBRARY, EDWARD PACING AND TALKING WITH STAFF)

EDWARD: This was a mistake! I'm stopping the storm and sending her home! Before she discovers the truth!

LESLIE: (OFF-SCREEN; SCREAMS) AAAGGGGHHHHH!

EDWARD: (LOOKS AT STAFF) Oh no!

EZRA: (GROANS AS REST RUSHES OUT LED BY EDWARD) Too late! (RUSHES OUT, SCENE CHANGES TO INTERIOR BEDROOM, EDWARD SEES OPEN PASSAGEWAY AND MUSIC BOX. HITS MANTEL)

EDWARD: BLAST! SHE'S SOMEWHERE IN THE HOUSE! SEARCH THE HOUSE! WE MUST FIND HER!

(SCREEN CUTS TO ART GALLERY, THIS TIME, LES SEES MOVING BUSTS, CHANGING PICTURES, AND BEGINS TO BE CHASED BY FLOATING MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS. SCREAMS AND RUNS STRAIGHT INTO EDWARD WHO HAS APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE. SUDDENLY, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO LES.

LESLIE: (BACKS AWAY) You're all ghosts!

EDWARD: Please, Miss Daniels I implore you! Listen to me!

LESLIE: (SCREAMS) AAGGGHHHH! (RUNS TO DOOR AND RUSHES IN.)

EDWARD: (FOLLOWS) That's not exactly what I had in mind! (AL)

(SHE IS ON TOP OF THE BALCONY ABOVE THE BALLROOM. CLOCK STRIKES MIDNIGHT. WINDOWS FLIES OPEN AND GHOSTS FLYING IN. SHE IS SCARED INTO AWE AND SUDDENLY, EDWARD IS BESIDE HER; SHE GASPS)

EDWARD: Please! Listen! I was alive in the year 1880! (LES RUNS ALONG BALCONY. TURNS HEAD TO SEE HIM OVER SHOULDER. EDWARD APPEARS BEFORE HER; HE CONTINUES)

I was in love with a beautiful girl from a poor family! We couldn't be together so she killed herself!

LESLIE: (RUNS BACK) Get away from me!

EDWARD: (MANIFEST IN BLUE MIST BY THE TOP OF THE STAIRS) Without her, I killed myself! But I was suppose to move on and love again! So now I and all the guests who were at the mansion the night I killed myself are trapped here! Cursed to haunt these halls forever! Please you must understand! We aren't going to harm you! Why won't you listen?

LESLIE: Cause you're dead! Ya kinda lost the right to have folk listen to ya when ya choose to be dead!(AL)

(THE GHOSTS OF BALLROOM DANCERS APPEAR AND BEGIN TO WALTZ ON THE DANCE FLOOR. LES SCRAMBLES TO GET PAST THEM BY GOING DOWN ORGAN STEPS, BUT ORGAN STARTS PLAYING ITSELF AND LITTLE GHOST HEADS START POPPING UP OUT OF PIPES. LES SCREAMS, SCRAMBLES DOWN STEPS AND RUNS THROUGH GHOSTS. EDWARD GETS LOST IN CROWD AS SHE GOES OUTSIDE THE FRENCH DOORS)

EDWARD: Miss Daniels! Miss Daniels, please come back here!

LESLIE: (OFF-SCREEN) Bite me! (AL. LES STOPS SHORT UPON SEEING MASSIVE GRAVEYARD BEHIND HOUSE. BUT BEING A CHOICE BETWEEN THE CREEPY HOUSE FULL OF GHOSTS AND THE CREEPY CEMETERY FULL OF THE UNKNOWN, LES CHOOSES THE CEMETERY)

(MEANWHILE, TOMPKINS IS WALKING UP TO HOUSE. IS ABOUT TO KNOCK ON DOOR WHEN HE HEARS A HORSE WHINNY. HE HIDES IN THE SHADOWS AND BECOMES SLACK JAWED WHEN EZRA PULLS UP TO THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE GLOWING BLUE AND IS PARTLY SEE THOUGH. THE CARRIAGE IS A FUNERAL HEARST, AND THE HORSE IS A SKELETON. EDWARD AND EMMA COME THROUGH FRONT DOOR AND BECOME GLOWING BLUE MISTS WITH RAMSLEY FOLLOWING)

EDWARD: (ADJUSTS GLOVES; TO RAMSLEY) Stay here! Wait for the girl! Maybe she'll come back on her own! (CLIMBS INTO DRIVER'S SEAT BESIDE EZRA)

RAMSLEY: Yes sir!

EMMA: Be careful Sir! That graveyard is filled with some unsavory characters! They think just because they are dead they can do whatever they want! (AL)

EZRA: Don't worry dear! We'll find her!

EDWARD: Drive on Ezra! (EZRA SNAPS REINS AND THEY TAKE OFF INTO GRAVEYARD)

RAMSLEY: (ESCORTS EMMA INSIDE) Come Madam! Let's go speak with the gypsy! (TOMPKINS RUSHES OUT AFTER HEARST. JUMPS ON AND CLIMBS INSIDE.

EDWARD: Did you feel something shake the carriage?

EZRA: It's a very bumpy road Sir! I need to have the shocks checked! (AL)

TO BE CONTINUED...

FAD OUT

COMMERCIAL

TAG END

(BACK TO PRESENT DAY, CREDITS FADING IN AND OUT AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN)

CARRIE-ANN: So what happened? Did you see any ghosts in the graveyard? Did they ever find you or did you come back? What happened to Mr. Tompkins?

LESLIE: Sure ya ain't gonna get freaked out again?

CARRIE-ANN: (SMILES AT GHOSTS) Oh no! This is awesome! I swear! I won't get scared again! (EMMA MANIFESTS OUT OF NOWHERE WITH A TRAY)

EMMA: (GIGGLES) Anyone want a cookie?

CARRIE-ANN: (SCREAMS AND FAINTS BACK ON COUCH)

EMMA: Was it something I said? (AL)

LESLIE: (SIGHS, STANDS AND TURNS TO GHOSTS) Ok! I'm only gonna do this once! This...(TUGS EAR) means someone's in the house! (AL) This...(TUGS WAR AND BRUSHES SHOULDER)...means that someone is invited! This...(TUGS EAR, GRABS FOREARM)...means someone's in the house and I didn't invite them! But...

(FAD OUT)

_**A/N: Here's the song 'Superstition' by Raven. I like it and thought it was appropriate for the title sequence.**_

Verse 1  
Very Superstitious  
Writings on the wall  
Very Superstitious  
Ladder's 'bout to fall

13 month old baby  
Broke the lookin' glass  
7 years of bad luck  
Good things in your past

Chorus  
When ya believe in things  
That ya don't understand  
Then you suffer!  
Superstition ain't the way

Verse 2  
very superstitious  
wash your face and hands  
rid me of the problems  
do all that ya can

Keep me in a daydream  
Keep me goin strong  
you dont wanna save me  
sad is my song

chorus 2x


	2. bootiful beginning part 2

**_A/N: Sorry it took so long to update...but I hope you like it. I'm glad people reviewed! But one of my reviewers wanted me to mention that 'superstition' actually belongs to Stevie Wonder. Didn't know, but I still want people to think of Raven's version during the opening credits. After all her version is tied to the movie. And Leotabelle13, when I started this, I had no conscious thought that this storyline resembled BatB; but yeah...that's along the line of where this is going..._**

**_stayed tuned for Episode 3_**

**_peace, love and lipgloss_**

**_Mlle.Fox_**

BOO-TIFUL BEGINNING

PART 2

(FAD IN, INTERIOR LIBRARY. CARRIE-ANN, THE POSTAL WORKER WHO DISCOVERED THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED HAS FAINTED (AGAIN) AND IS JUST NOW WAKING UP)

RAMSLEY: (ENTERS WITH GLASS OF WATER ON SILVER TRAY) I hope you are feeling better Miss Phelps.

CARRIE-ANN: I am thank you Ramsley! (TAKES GLASS, DRINKS)

LESLIE: You know, this is probably a good thing for ya to find out now you're deliverin' mail to a haunted house. Like when my Aunt Ruby married her third husband, you don't have to worry about any surprises! (AL)

CARRIE-ANN: Yeah…you don't have any ghost dogs do you? (AL)

EDWARD: Why no!

CARRIE-ANN: JUST CHECKING! NOW TELL ME THE REST OF THE STORY! You worked as a real estate developer…

(CLIP OF LES IN TOMPKINS' OFFICE)

LESLIE: (SIGHS) I wish we could keep it the way it is! Gracey Manor is the type of place I would have lived in if I lived in the Old South!

(CUT TO TOMPKINS)

TOMPKINS: If you search the property for me, I'll make you partner!

CARRIE-ANN (VOICEOVER) You came to the house…

(CLIP OF EDWARD MEETING LES)

LESLIE: (EXTENDS HAND) Hi! I'm Leslie Daniels.

CARRIE-ANN (VO) You got invited to dinner and Tompkins rushed over worried about you…

(CLIP OF TOMPKINS ANSWERING PHONE)

TOMPKINS: Les? Leslie?

RECORDING: We're sorry, but the number you called had been disconnected. Please hang up and try again.

CARRIE-ANN: (VO) You stayed for dinner and were stranded for the night…

(CLIP OF DINNER IN BR)

LESLIE: (RUNS TO WINDOW) Are you sure? It can't be that bad can it? Is that a possum floatin' by? (AL)

CARRIE-ANN: (VO) You found a secret passage and were led to Madame Leota…

(CLIP OF LES IN SÉANCE ROOM)

LESLIE: Who are ya? Dr. Seuss' wife? (AL)

CARRIE-ANN: (VO)…discovered the truth about the house…

(CLIP OF LES BACKING AWAY FROM EDWARD)

LESLIE: You're all ghosts!

CARRIE-ANN: (VO) Then you ran into the graveyard and Tompkins' snuck onto the hearse when Edward and Ezra went out to find you!

(CLIP OF TOMPKINS HOPPING ON BACK OF FUNERAL CARRIAGE)

EDWARD: Did something jostle the carriage?

EZRA: It's a bumpy road sir. I need to have the shocks checked! (AL)

(CUT BACK TO PRESENT DAY)

EMMA: Didn't she just go over all of that?

EZRA: (QUIETLY) It's an exposition device so the audience can catch up! (AL)

(FAD OUT)

(OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE)

THE HAUNTED MANSION

(TITLE SEQUENCE SHOWS ART GALLERY WITH LIGHTNING STRIKING. RAVEN'S SONG 'SUPERSTITION" PLAYS. ZOOM IN ON PORTRAIT OF **NATHANIEL PARKER. **PORTRAIT MOVES FROM STANDING STRAIGHT BEHIND ARMCHAIR TO SMILING AND LEANING ON BACK OF CHAIR WITH ELBOW.

ZOOM LEFT TO PORTRAIT OF **TERRANCE STAMP **STANDING STRAIGHT WITH ARMS BEHIND BACK AND STOIC EXPRESSION. PORTRAIT MOVES TO SHOW RAMSLEY FLICKING LINT OF SHOULDER AND TURNING UP THE CORNER OF HIS LIPS.

ZOOM LEFT TO BREATHING DOOR

ZOOM LEFT TO DOUBLE PORTRAIT OF **WALLACE SHAWN **AND **DINA WATERS**, STANDING LIKE PAINTING OF "AMERICAN GOTHIC" WITH GRACEY MANOR IN BACKGROUND, EMMA HOLDING A FEATHER DUSTER. PORTRAIT MOVES TO HAVE EMMA DUST VASE OUTSIDE PORTRAIT IN HALLWAY AND EZRA TO ROLL EYES.

ZOOM LEFT TO 'PORTRAIT' OF **STACEY ST.CLAIRE **SMILING. ADJUSTS HAIR; CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL PORTRAIT IS A MIRROR AND LESLIE TURNS TO AUDIENCE. CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND ROOM CHANGES TO BALLROOM. GHOSTS FLY IN WINDOWS AND OTHERS DRESS IN COSTUME DANCE ALL AROUND. CAST STANDS IN FRONT OF ORGAN AND SMILES AT CAMERA. **JENNIFER TILLY **AS MADAME LEOTA FLOATS UP IN FLOWING GREEN BALL AS A HEAD, ZOOMS IN ON CAMERA. FADS TO BLACK.

(FAD IN ON FLASHBACK, LESLIE RUNNING THROUGH GRAVEYARD CONSTANTLY LOOKING OVER SHOULDER)

LESLIE (VO) : I was so scared, I thought I was in the Women's shoe department at Wal-mart and they just announced the last pair of size eight strappy heels were gone…(AL) Little did I know, that night would change every thing I had ever come to believe in…

(LES RUNS INTO CLEARING, STOPS SHORT UPON BUMPING INTO BACK OF GENTLEMAN GHOST #1.)

GG1: (SURPRISED) Oh! I say!

LESLIE: (STAMMERS) S…S…Sorry…M…M….Mister Ghost…sir…..

GG1: (TIPS HAT SMILES KINDLY) Oh no trouble at all Miss! My fault really! (SECOND GENTLEMAN GHOSTS APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE, BOTH ARE GIVING OFF AURAS OF FLOATING BULE MISTS; LES SQUEAKS)

GG2: Well if you ask me, a lady would have apologized for ramming into you like that!

GG1: (MIFTED) I beg your pardon dsir, but not only is this young woman a lady, as all young women are, she did apologize but it was certain specters like you that have freighted the poor girl so she can't be heard properly.

GG2: Then she should have repeated her apology!

GG1: You sir, are bring very rude!

GG2: Only one who is rude to begin with would try to excuse poor behavior!

GG1: (SHOUTS) YOU SIR...are INTOLERALE!

GG2: (PULLS OUT GLOVE AND SLAPPS GG1 ACROSS FACE) And you sir, I challenge to a duel!

LESLIE: (TRIES TO INTERVENE) Ah…Fellas? Really, ya'll don't have to fight on my…(BOTH GHOSTS PULLS OUT PISTOLS AND TURN WITH THEIR BACKS FACING) Oh Snap! (RUNS OUT OF WAY) (AL)

GG1: Fifty paces?

GG2: Twenty.

LESLIE: (TURNS BACK AND HESITATES) Bye fellas!

BOTH: (TIP HATS BEFORE STARTING TO COUNT) Miss! (AL) One! Two! Three! Four….

LESLIE: (RUNS OFF SCREEN) Now that was just plain weird! (AL)

(SCENE SHIFTS TO EDWARD IN CENTER OR CROWD OF GHOSTS WANDERING ABOUT IN THE GRAVEYARD. THEY ARE ALL COVERED IN A BULE MIST AURA AND SOME LOOK AS THEY DID WHEN THEY WERE ALIVE, WHILE OTHERS LOOK LIKE DISTORTED IMAGES OF THEIR OLD BODIES. SOME ARE JUST WALKING AND TALKING, OTHERS ARE REENACTING THEIR DEATHS; EDWARD WALKS UP TO PAIR OF VICTORIAN GHOST WOMEN)

EDWARD: Excuse me? Have either of you ladies seen a young woman who's still alive? Petite, short skirts perhaps a little too much facial makeup? (AL AS WOMEN SHAKE HEADS NO, EDWARD SIGHES) Thank you ladies! (WALKS AWAY A LITTLE BIT, LOOKS ACROSS GRAVEYARD TO SEE LESLIE BY ABOVEGROUND GRACEY FAMILY MASEOLUEM) Miss Daniels!

(LES SQUEAKS; RUNS INTO MASEOLUEM)

Miss Daniels! Miss Daniels don't go in there! Come back! (RUNS AFTER HER. THOMPSON POKES HEAD OUT FROM BEHIND TREE, FOLLOWS EDWARD TO MASEOLEUM; EDWARD GOES THROUGH DOOR, THOMPSON SMACKS RIGHT INTO DOOR, FALLING UNCONSCIOUS; AL)

(SCENE SHIFTS TO INTEROR MASEOLEUM; LES RACES DOWN STAIRS, EDWARD FOLLOWING. NOW THAT EDWARD IS INSIDE, HIS BLUE MIST AURA IS GONE AND HE LOOKS LIKE A LIVING MAN AGAIN)

LESLIE: Get away from me Casper! (AL)

EDWARD: Please Miss Daniels I implore you listen to me! We won't hurt you! We'd never even consider hurting you!

LESLIE (RUNS ACROSS IRON WROUGHT BRIDGE AND BEHIND BLACK CYRPT KEEPING IT BETWEEN HER AND EDWARD) How the sam hill do I know you ain't just sayin' that?

EDWARD: Because I'm a man of honor!

LESLIE: Who is dead! Don't forget dead! (AL)

EDWARD: So I'm a man of honor who is dead! Alright! Now please, this place isn't safe!

LESLIE: And why the H-E-double hockey sticks not? (GROUND RUMBLES AND EVERYTHING SHAKES INHUMAN GROANS CRY OUT)

EDWARD: Because, unlike myself, my staff and most of the inhabitants of the graveyard, the tomb is cursed with the living dead who will attack if disturbed. (GROUND RUMBLES AGAIN)

LESLIE: (WIDE EYED) Why?

EDWARD: Because they were already dead when the curse fell upon the house. It made them the undead.

LESLIE: You mean zombies? (INHUMAN GROAN CRYS OUT AGAIN, CRYPTS START TO SHAKE) Great, I'm in a 'Night of the Livin' Dead' flick! (AL)

EDWARD: (COMES AROUND BLACK CRYPT TO HER SIDE; LES BACKS UP CAUTIOUSLY) As a gentleman, I can't allow a lady to place herself in unnessecary danger. Please. Let me take you from this place?

LESLIE: (LOOKS HIM OVER. HE SEEMS SO KIND AND WELL MANNERED. NOT EVEN A HINT OF MALICE IS IN HIS EYES. AND HE LOOKS GENERALLY CONCERNED ABOUT HER. BUT LES IS STUBBORN AND PROUD.) Not until you tell me what this curse is about and how you came to be a reject from 'Tales of the Cryptkeeper'! (AL)

EDWARD: (CONFUSED) Does that unusal phrasing mean you wish me to tell you how we all came to bound to these grounds? (AL)

LESLIE: Well ya went the long way around restatin' it, but heck yeah! (AL)

EDWARD: (GOES OVER TO SPOT ON WALL, PULLS LANTERN, SECRET PASSAGE IS REVEALED; LED GASPS. EDWARD WALKS BACK OVER TO HER) First of all, my grandfather, Captain Ambrose Gracey, was a pirate sailing under false colors. He would trade with Jean Lafiette for valuable and very stolen contraband to sell on the black market. That's how he started our family fortune and why he built numerous secret passageways on his property. I'll tell you the rest of the tale while we head back to the house. If you'll only trust me. (HOLDS OUT ARM FOR HER. SHE STILL ISN'T SURE) It's all right. There's nothing to be afraid of! (**_A/N: " Couldn't resist Mate!" -Captain Jack Sparrow) _**

LESLIE: (TAKES ARM RELUCTANTLY AND ALLOWS HERSELF TO BE LED THROUGH THE PASSAGEWAY) If I end up dead, I'm coming back to knock your behind to kingdom come! (AL)

(EXTERIOR MASEOLEUM. THOMPSON WAKES AND REMEMBERS WHY HE'S HERE. FRANTICALLY PULLS OPEN DOOR AND GOES DOWN INTO INTERIOR MASEOLEUM. AT FOOT OF STEPS HE YELLS) Leslie! (SUDDENLY, EVERYTHING SHAKES AND CRYPTS OPEN TO REVEAL THE DECAYED CORPSES OF THE FORMER GRACEY FAMILY. THEY HISS, GROWL AND SLOWLY LIMP TOWARDS THOMPSON MENACINGLY.) This is nuts! ME! Fighting zombies! (AL; SHRUGS) What the hell! (YELLS AND THROWS HIMSELF INTO MOB OF ZOMBIES; AL AND APPLAUSE)

(SCENE SHIFTS TO INTERIOR MANSION, EMMA PACING FRONT HALL FLOOR WRINGING HANDS NERVOUSLY. RAMSELY STANDING CALMLY NEARBY)

RAMSELY: Madam, you must controll yourself!

EMMA: (NERVOUSLY) I'm worried about Miss Daniels! This place isn't safe for a living body! Oh! It's barely safe for the dead! Rest in Peace my foot! (AL; RAMSLEY GIVES HER WARNING STARE) Sir! (AL; EZRA ENTERS STILL IN HIS DRIVING ATTIRE AS EMMA SLAPS HIS SHOULDER AND SNAPS) About time! Where's the Master? Where's Miss Daniels?

EZRA: (WORRIED) You mean the Master isn't back yet?

RAMSLEY: (STEPS FORWARD) Wasn't he with you?

EZRA: Yes, but he told me to let him off at the cemetary and head back! He said he didn't think Miss Daniels would be comfortable riding back in a hearst! (AL)

RAMSLEY: One would only hope so! (AL)

EMMA: So if the Master hasn't returned with Miss Daniels yet, where could they be?

(SCENE SHIFTS TO INTERIOR PASSAGEWAY; EDWARD LEADING LES) (**_A/N: The following is almost directly from the movie) _**

EDWARD: Although it's a bit faded from it's original grandeur, this house was once filled with so many things. With so much life. With grand parties, dancing, laughter and above all, hope. Being a Gracey meant that you were denied nothing. The world was yours."

LESLIE: What happened here Mr. Gracey?

EDWARD: (SADLY) She did.

LESLIE: Who?

EDWARD: Elizabeth. Her's is the story that haunt's these walls. (SIGHS GRIMLY) She died here in this house. She was so very young. so very beautiful. She and I were engaged to be married.

LESLIE: (SYMPATHETIC) Oh Mr. Gracey...

EDWARD: And I loved her more than life itself! But we were from different worlds and couldn't be together.

LESLIE: How did she die Mr. Gracey?

EDWARD: (SHUTS EYES AS IF IN PAIN) She took her own life. (LES GASPS AND COVERS MOUTH) Poison. After that my life became unbearable.

And so, without love...without hope...without...Elizabeth, I hung myself. Then all who were there the night she and I died were cursed to remain here upon their deaths.

LESLIE: Until what?

EDWARD: Until such a time I learn to live in death when I failed to live in life.

LESLIE: (CONFUSED) Say what? (AL)

EDWARD: (SMALL SMILE ON HIS LIPS) Suicide is an easy way out of living. I was suppose to move on with my life, keeping Elizabeth but a wonderful memory safe in my heart. Since I failed to do that in life, I must do it in death.

LESLIE: O...kay...(AL) And who told ya this?

EDWARD: Madame Leota.

LESLIE: Oh wait! Is she that giant paperweight you got upstairs? (AL)

EDWARD: (CHUCKLES) In life, she was hired by my mother to contact my older siblings on the other side. (SEEING LES'S CONFUSION, HE EXPLAINS) They died of Scarlet Fever they contracted while we were visiting my mother's family. She became horribly depressed. She was no longer the vital, active woman she was. Father and Ramsley had to take over the things she was in charge of. She died a few months later and Father began to raise me to be his heir. He paid for the county courthouse, making sure taxes were waved off, he left the care of the shipping company to his board of trustees and he left Ramsley to find me a suitable bride.

LESLIE: You started to tell me all of this. You said Elizabeth came from a poor family?

EDWARD: Yes, she did. Her father was the local cheif of police. He didn't make a very good salary though. Except for the size of her dowry, she was educated, well mannered and cultured. Ramsley eventually approved because she had the makings to be a fine Mistress of Gracey Manor, but my father only thought she was a little gold digger. He died of a heart atttack, but not before telling the board at the shipping company to guilt me into not marrying her. It didn't work, but it upset Elizabeth...she couldn't take it. (AT THIS POINT HIS VOICE IS BITTER. THEY STOP AT A DEAD END, BUT EDWARD TAPS A CERTAIN SPOT AND A DOOR OPENS LEADING THEM TO A CROWDED DUSTY ATTIC)

LESLIE: I'm sorry I didn't listen before...It must be rough going through the memories again...

EDWARD: (SHRUGS; THEN LEADS HER OVER TO A DRESSMAKERS DUMMY WITH A BEAUTIFUL WHITE EMPIRE WAIST GOWN ON IT, DRAPED WITH A SHEER NETTING.) This was to have been her wedding dress.

LESLIE: It's lovely!

EDWARD: (BRUSHES HAND OVER SHOULDER OF DRESS) It would have been lovelier still if she ever had the chance to wear it! Now it only serves as a dark reminder of what could have been.

LESLIE: To love someone so much and then lose them so suddenly. I can't imagine how awful that must be.

EDWARD: (BORES HIS EYES INTO HER OWN) If you truly love someone they never leave you. They remain in your heart forever. (LES GULPS, FIGHTING HER ATTRACTION TO HIM. SHE LOOKS AWAY ONLY TO MEET WITH A PAIR ON PAINTED EYES. IT'S A PORTRAIT OF A BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN WITH LIGHT SKIN AND A YELLOW DRESS.

LESLIE: Who's...?

EDWARD: (SMILES SADLY OVER HER SHOULDER) That's Elizabeth.

LESLIE: (CAUTIOUSLY) So...part of your father's problem with her...had to do with her being black didn't it? (EDWARD NODS HEAD) She was beautiful. (EDWARD LOOKS FROM THE PORTRAIT OF HIS LOVE TO LES AND RETURNS THE SMILE SHE IS GIVING HIM. HE HAS FOUND A FRIEND WHO UNDERSTANDS.)

(SCENE SHIFTS TO GRAVEYARD. EZRA IS ONCE AGAIN AT THE REINS OF THE HEARST, BUT THIS TIME, EMMA IS BESIDE HIM)

EMMA: "Will you stop for directions?"

EZRA: "I'm not lost! I'm just trying to get my bearings!

EMMA: "Yeah right! You said the same thing on our wedding night! (AL; SUDDENLY A SHOUT IS HEARD AND THEY STOP THE HEARST A FEW FEET FROM THE FAMILY MASEOLEUM THOMPSON FALLS OUT DOOR, AND BEATS ZOMBIES HANDS AWAY WITH A TORCH. HE SLAMS THE DOOR AND FUMES. HIS CLOTHES ARE NOTHING BUT RAGS HANGING OFF HIS BODY NOW. EMMA AND EZRA LOOK UNCERTAINLY AT HIM, THEN EXCHANGE A LOOK, THEN LOOK BACK AT HIM. AL. THOMPSON STOMPS UP TO HEARST AND JABS FINGER UP AT EZRA)

THOMPSON: You two! You are going to take me back to the mansion, right now!

EMMA: But...

THOMPSON: No buts Lady! I've kicked the ugly out of your kind enough tonight so I'm not afraid of you! Now move!

EZRA: Yes sir! And I use that term loosely! (AL AND APPLAUSE AS THOMPSON CLIMBS IN BACK OF HEARST AND THEY DRIVE OFF)

(SCENE SHIFTS TO HOUSE INTERIOR HALL AS EDWARD ESCORTS LES DOWN STAIRS. RAMSLEY ENTERS FROM LIBRARY.)

RAMSLEY: Sir! Miss Daniels! You're here! Thank God you're safe! I had to send Ezra and Miss Emma out again to search for you.

EDWARD: We're alright Ramsley! And Miss Daniels knows all about us now.

RAMSLEY: She does?

LESLIE: I do! (AL)

EDWARD: Now the question is...what are we going to do with you?

LESLIE: (HANDS ON HIPS) Well if you know what's good for ya...(LES IS INTERRUPTED BY THOMPSON RUSHING IN FRONT DOOR, EMMA AND EZRA FOLLOWING) Joe?

THOMPSON: (GRABS HER HAND) Come on Sugar! We're leaving! I see dead people! (AL AND APPLAUSE)

LESLIE: Joe! I can't leave now! I just got here! And it's the middle of the night!

THOMPSON: Babe did you hear me? We're leaving! But don't worry...we'll be back with bulldozers!

EDWARD: (FURIOUS) What? (THOMPSON GETS NOSE TO NOSE WITH HIM)

THOMPSON: You heard me Vapor breath! (AL) State law requires a LIVING resident in a house or it's declared abandoned and property of the state.

EMMA: (BECOMING UPSET AS EZRA TRYS TO COMFORT HER) But this is our home!

THOMPSON: You should have thought of that before you died! Come on Sweets, let's make tracks!

LESLIE: (ANGRY, STOPS HIM AND SLAPS HIM. AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) I ain't goin' anywhere with you!

THOMPSON: Then you're fired! But I'm still going to get Gracey Manor. After all, they can't stop me! They're dead!

LESLIE: Then I'm moving in! You can't get a hold of Gracey Manor if I live here! So there! (STICKS OUT TONGUE; AL)

THOMPSON AND GHOSTS: What? (AL)

LESLIE: Ya'll heard me!

THOMPSON: Leslie, this is insane!

LESLIE: What's insane is that I ever though working with you was a career goal! Get out!(AA)

THOMPSON: (GRABS WRISTS) Leslie, you're coming with me!

LESLIE: You're hurting me!

EDWARD: (TAPS THOMPSONS SHOULDER AND THEN PUNCHES HIM ACROSS THE JAW. THOMPSON STAGGERS AWAY FROM LES; EDWARD SAYS DANGEROUSLY) I believe Miss Daniels asked you to leave Sir! (THOMPSON JUST STANDS THERE DUMBFOUNDED)

RAMSELY: (DARKLY) Perhaps he needs a bit of persuassion Sir?

EDWARD: (STARTS TO SHIFT IN A BLUE MIST AURA) I belive you're right Ramsley! (GRABS A STARTLED THOMPSON BY THE THROAT AND PULLS HIM TOWARD THE FRONT DOOR)

EZRA: (OPENS FRONT DOOR) Allow me sir! (AL)

EDWARD: Thank you Ezra! (THROWS THOMPSON OUT)

EZRA: (TO THOMPSON BEFORE SHUTTING DOOR) And stay out! (AL AND APPLAUSE)

EDWARD: (BLUE AURA DISSAPAITS; EDWARD SAYS TO LES CONCERNED) Are you alright?

LESLIE: (SMILES WHILE RUBBING WRISTS) Just gettin' use to a real live gentleman is all!

RAMSLEY: Sir? What are we going to do with Miss Daniels? She told that fool she would live here!

EDWARD: (SMILES AT LES) We have no choice. We need Miss Daniels around to keep the mansion.

LESLIE: Nice to be needed! (AL)

EDWARD: But what are we going to do about living expenses? I don't have access to my account for obvious reasons...how will you live here without an income?

(LESLIE THINKS, THEN SMILE SPREADS ON HER FACE)

EZRA: That can't be good! (AL)

(RIPPLE DISSOLVE BACK TO PRESENT DAY. LES TELLS CARRIE ANN)

LESLIE: So I sold the Story to Disney! (AL) And they in turn made the movie!

CARRIE ANN: Yeah, but they changed Ramsely into the villian, and you into a family of four! (AL) Why did they do that?

RAMSLEY: (IMPATIENTLY) Artistic License! (AL)

EDWARD: Well, it's not like we could sue them or anything...

LESLIE: Though it is a lovely thought! (AL)

EDWARD: (CONTINUES) Besides, one of the original Disney Imagineers visited here as a child on a dare. Our story inspired him to suggest the idea for the ride.

EZRA: And when the studio heard their really was a Gracey Manor, they practically threw money at Les!

LESLIE: Well, not quite! I'm still stuggling to fix this place up so the Board of Health will let me keep living here!

RAMSLEY: That's the Republicans for you! (AL)

CARRIE ANN: (STANDS) Speaking of Uncle Sam who signs my checks...(AL) I've got to get going!

LESLIE: (STANDS) I'll walk you out!

EDWARD: (SHAKES CARRIE ANN'S HAND) Miss Phelps! It's been a pleasure! Thank you for your visit!

CARRIE ANN: Thank you for having me! It was nice to meet all of you! Bye! (EXITS LIBRARY WITH LES)

EZRA: I'd thought she never leave! (AL)

(INTERIOR HALL)

CARRIE ANN: Now Les, level with me...You do like-like Mr. Gracey don't you?

LESLIE: (DRYLY AS SHE HOLDS OPEN DOOR) Sugar if the man wasn't dead, I'd jump him faster than a dog in heat!(AL AS SHE WAVES BYE AND CLOSES DOOR)

EDWARD: (ENTERS FROM LIBRARY) Miss Daniels? You know, telling Miss Phelps our story reminded me of any issue we must discuss.

LESLIE: What's that?

EDWARD: You must stop telling people our story! (AL) You tell it as if this is your house and have every right to.

LESLIE: Mr. Gracey? Is you're name on the mail?

EDWARD: No...

LESLIE: Well until it is, I'll do whatever the dang well I please! ( AL; PATS SHOULDER AS EZRA, EMMA AND RAMSLEY ENTER; TO EZRA AND EMMA) Come on ya'll! I think I want to tear down a wall in my room to make room for all my shoes! (AL)

EDWARD: (TO RAMSELY AS LES, EZRA, AND EMMA EXITS UPSTAIRS) "How is it possible for a beautiful charming young woman to have the unmitigated gall to waltz into our lives and completely take over the house?"

RAMSLEY: (DRYLY) "Especially considering we're all dead, sir!"

FAD OUT

COMMERCIAL

TAG END

BLOOPERS

(SCENE CHALKBOARD SNAPS IN FRONT OF CAMERA; SCENE OF LES MEETING EDWARD FIRST TIME)

STACEY ST. CLAIRE: My boss not my dog! (STANDS THERE SMILING AT NATHANIAL WHO IS SMILING AND SHAKING TO CONTROL HIS LAUGHTER) Ahh snap! (NATHANIAL, TERRANCE AND CREW BREAK OUT LAUGHING; STACEY TURNS FROM THEM)

(SCENE OF EZRA AND EMMA DISCUSSING LESLIE)

DINA: You were the one that suggested we listen in on her phone call!

WALLACE: We...ah...I'm so sorry! (DINA BURST OUT LAUGHING)

(SCENE OF LESLIE TALKING TO THOMPSON:

STACEY: Really! (BRUCE HAS HIS BACK TO THE CAMERA BUT WE SEE HIS SHOULDERS SHAKING WITH LAUGHTER; STACEY POINTS FINGER IN HIS FACE) Don't you dare! Don't you dare start laughing! (SHE AND BRUCE BOTH LAUGH; STACEY SIGHES) Oh...Lordy he keeps messing me up!

BRUCE: I'm sorry but It's just the way you say 'Really!' It inhumanly high pitched! ( LAUGHS WITH HER AND AUDIENCE)

(BLOOPERS END WITH NATHANIAL MUGGING FOR CAMERA)


	3. Thedatefrom HEdouble hockeysticks

**_A/N: Hey guys. Another update. And for Haunted Mansion too...now if I can only keep it up..._**

**_read and review!_**

**_peace, love and lipgloss, _**

**_Mlle.Fox_**

DISNEY'S

HAUNTED MANSION: THE SERIES

EPISODE 103: THE DATE FROM H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS

(SCENE ONE: INTERIOR FOYER)

(EDWARD IS JUST OUTSIDE CURTAIN OF LIBRARY PEEKING IN; WHEN RAMSLEY COMES UP BEHIND HIM)

RAMSLEY: Sir? What on earth are you...

EDWARD: (TURNS TO HIM) Shush! I can't hear!

RAMSLEY: Can't hear what Sir? (LAUGHTER HEARD FROM INSIDE LIBRARY)

EDWARD: (ANNOYED) That! (AL)

RAMSLEY: I take it then, Sir...you do not fancy Miss Daniels installing the 'television cable'?

EDWARD: I don't mind the television cable, I mind the Cable Man! Do you know what's going on in there? First he shows up...TWO HOURS LATE...then he called me...'Pops' and asked me 'How's it hangin?' I shan't tell you what that phrase means! (AL)

RAMSLEY: Thank you sir! (AL)

EDWARDS: And despite of his crude sense of humor, utter lack of morals and professionalism, Miss Daniels is throwing herself at him like a common guttersnipe!

RAMSLEY: Are you jealous Sir?

EDWARD: (SCOFFS) Jealous? Jealous of what? (LES AND CABLE GUY ENTER FROM LIBRARY. CABLE GUY IS HANDSOME, BUFF AND TANNED)

RAMSLEY: Shall I take a wild guess sir? (AL)

LESLIE: (TO CABLE GUY) Well Joey it was real great meetin' ya!

JOEY: (JERSEY ACCENT) Same here too Doll! Say how about hookin' up sometime, eh?

LESLIE: If you mean a lobster dinner and a little dancin'...I can live with that! (WINKS; AL)

JOEY: Great! I'll pick you up at eight!

LESLIE: You know where I live!

JOEY: And I already got your phone number! (AL)

EDWARD: (MUTTERS TO RAMSLEY) Ramsley have the phone number changed won't you? (AL)

JOEY: (TO EDWARD) Hey Mr. G! I got another joke for ya!

EDWARD: (INSINCERE) Splendid!

JOEY: Why does a blond and McDonald's have in common?

EDWARD: (SIGHS) I don't know!

JOEY: A blonde serves more people in a night! Ah heheheh! (AL AND GROAN)

EDWARD: Yes well...I certainly didn't see that one coming! (AL)

JOEY: (TO LES) Okay Doll, I've got to get out of here!

LESLIE: Bye Joey. Boys you can show Joey out can't ya?

RAMSLEY: With pleasure Miss! (AL) (LES EXITS UP STAIRS)

EDWARD: (TRYING TO BE NICE) Well Joseph see you tonight then!

JOEY: Oh yeah! I can't wait to have dinner with Leslie tonight...and between you a me...hopefully tomorrow morning for breakfast! Ah heheheh! (JOEY EXITS: AUDIENCE: "OOhhh!" EDWARD LOOKS UNEASILY TO RAMSLEY)

RAMSLEY: I do hope he means the IHop! (AL)

FAD TO BLACK

OPENING CREDITS

THE HAUNTED MANSION

(TITLE SEQUENCE SHOWS ART GALLERY WITH LIGHTNING STRIKING. RAVEN'S SONG 'SUPERSTITION" PLAYS. ZOOM IN ON PORTRAIT OF **NATHANIEL PARKER. **PORTRAIT MOVES FROM STANDING STRAIGHT BEHIND ARMCHAIR TO SMILING AND LEANING ON BACK OF CHAIR WITH ELBOW.

ZOOM LEFT TO PORTRAIT OF **TERRANCE STAMP **STANDING STRAIGHT WITH ARMS BEHIND BACK AND STOIC EXPRESSION. PORTRAIT MOVES TO SHOW RAMSLEY FLICKING LINT OF SHOULDER AND TURNING UP THE CORNER OF HIS LIPS.

ZOOM LEFT TO BREATHING DOOR

ZOOM LEFT TO DOUBLE PORTRAIT OF **WALLACE SHAWN **AND **DINA WATERS**, STANDING LIKE PAINTING OF "AMERICAN GOTHIC" WITH GRACEY MANOR IN BACKGROUND, EMMA HOLDING A FEATHER DUSTER. PORTRAIT MOVES TO HAVE EMMA DUST VASE OUTSIDE PORTRAIT IN HALLWAY AND EZRA TO ROLL EYES.

ZOOM LEFT TO 'PORTRAIT' OF **STACEY ST.CLAIRE **SMILING. ADJUSTS HAIR; CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL PORTRAIT IS A MIRROR AND LESLIE TURNS TO AUDIENCE. CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND ROOM CHANGES TO BALLROOM. GHOSTS FLY IN WINDOWS AND OTHERS DRESS IN COSTUME DANCE ALL AROUND. CAST STANDS IN FRONT OF ORGAN AND SMILES AT CAMERA. **JENNIFER TILLY **AS MADAME LEOTA FLOATS UP IN FLOWING GREEN BALL AS A HEAD, ZOOMS IN ON CAMERA. FADS TO BLACK.

(FAD IN ON LES AND EMMA IN INTERIOR BEDROOM. LES' ROOM IS A MESS WITH CLOTHES AND SHOES. LES IS THROWING THINGS OUT OF HER CLOSET INTO EMMA'S ARMS. AL AS EMMA'S HEAD IS GETTING COVERED AND SHE STUMBLES TRYING TO KEEP HER BALANCE.

LESLIE: (IN CLOSET) Clothes, clothes everywhere and not a ensemble for Joey's ever lovin' eyes to drink upon! (AL)

EMMA: (MUFFLED) When I can't find anything to wear, I just stick with the basics!

LESLIE: Emma Sugar everythang you've got is basic! Down to your Granny panties! (AL)

EMMA: (FLOPS PILE ON BED) I do not wear Granny panties! I wear bloomers! (AL)

LESLIE: Okay Great-Great Granny panties! (AL)

EMMA: So what's Mr. Joey like?

LESLIE: (SIGHS) Well, he ain't too bright...not very mature and he's a bit on the corny side.

EMMA: So why are you going out with him?

LESLIE: 'Cause he's cute, employed and smitten with me! Have to account for taste! (AL)

EMMA: (SMILES IN MEMORY) That's why I agreed to marry Ezra! That and our employer at the time caught us in the stables...(AL)

LESLIE: (IN BATHROBE, COMES OUT OF CLOSET A BIT) See...that's what I want. Em Baby you're so lucky to have somebody even after you're dead! Me, I'd like to find a man with a pulse! (AL)

EMMA: What does that mean?

LESLIE: (SIGHS, CROSSES TO VANITY, STARTS TO PICK OUT JEWELRY) Well to be perfectly honest, the only man I've been attracted to in the last five years is Mr.Gracey. My dumb luck is that the first handsome, charming, polite millionaire I meet and am attracted to is technically six feet under! (AL)

EMMA: Well, maybe you'll meet someone like Mr.Gracey who happens to be alive!

LESLIE: (TURNS TO HER, HAND ON HIP) Who? Prince William? (AL)

EMMA: (CHEERFULLY) There you go! (AL)

LESLIE: (SHAKES HEAD) Well, I have faith that my Prince will come, course I think he's comin' in a towncar not a white van with a picture of a smiling TV on legs! (AL)

(SCENE TWO, FAD TO INTERIOR LIBRARY, EDWARD IS ON SECOND LANDING IN LIBRARY, RAMSLEY AND EZRA LOOKING UP AT HIM.)

EDWARD: (SNAPS BOOK SHUT) We have to stop Miss Daniels from going out with that neanderthal!

EZRA: How Sir? She's excited about it!

RAMSLEY: (AS EDWARD COMES DOWN CIRCULAR STAIRCASE) That's right Sir. And she's a grown woman. And she consented to the date so we have no right to interfer.

EDWARD: As a gentleman I do! I can't let a lady possibly endanger her virture.

EZRA: I don't know...nowadays a lady's virture is an endangered species! (AL)

RAMSLEY: What do you mean?

EZRA: (LEADS THEM OVER TO TV, TAKES UP REMOTE) Let me show ya! (TURNS ON TV)

EDWARD: You know how to work that blasted contraption?

EZRA: Well it's not exactly brain surgery Sir. I just have to push the power button, shut off the VCR, switch to sallelite, turn on the TIVO, press view and I'm good to go! (AL AS EDWARD AND RAMSLEY LOOK CONFUSED) Now if I can only figure out how to stop the VCR from flashing '12:00'! (AL)

RAMSLEY: (DRYLY) A great mystery of the universe I imagine! (AL)

EZRA: (FLIPS THROUGH CHANNELS, STOPS) Okay, here we go...Exhibit A! Dr. Ruth! Over eighty years old and America's leading SEX therapist!

EDWARD: (QUIETLY) Oh.

EZRA: (FLIPS CHANNELS, STOPS) Exhibit B...A little show about four single thrity year old women who talk openly about their affairs and sex lives called 'Sex in the City'.

RAMSLEY: (NODS) Oh!

EZRA: (FLIPS CHANNELS, STOPS) And last but certainly not least...Exhibit C...Brittney Spears!

EDWARD AND RAMSLEY: (DISGUSTED) OOHHH!

EZRA: (TURNS TV OFF) And there you have it! Women in the twenty first century have lost their sense of virture.

EDWARD: Well I'm going to help Miss Daniels find hers.

RAMSLEY: How sir?

EDWARD: (AS IF SOMETHING JUST OCCURS TO HIM) We're ghosts!

EZRA: Sir...you just now realized this? (AL)

EDWARD: No! What if we invite Joseph to have dinner here, but the moment he's alone...he unfortunately discovers the ghosts of long ago...! (EZRA NODS IN UNDERSTANDING)

RAMSLEY: If we are to do what you suggest Sir, don't let Disney find out! That's all I need for them to make a sequel! (AL) (FAD OUT)

(LATER THAT DAY; SCENE THREE, DOORBELL SOUNDS, "DUM - DUM -DA DUM -DA DA DA DA DA DA -DUM!" (AL) RAMSLEY CROSSES FOYER TO ANSWER DOOR, JOEY ON OTHER SIDE IN SPORTS COAT AND JEANS)

JOEY: You know Rosley that doorbell yous got is a real downer! (AL)

RAMSLEY: Yes Sir. Won't you come in?

JOEY: (COMES IN) Dont' mind if I do Rosley!

RAMSLEY: (SHUTS DOOR) Ramsley!

JOEY: Ay? (AL)

RAMSLEY: My name Sir, is Ramsley!

JOEY: Cool. Say how's about a somethin' to wet the whistle, ey Rosley? (AL)

RAMSLEY: (GIVES UP) Very good Sir. (WALKS OFF. JOEY LOOKS AROUND FOYER IMPRESSED. SUDDENLY EDWARD IS BEHIND HIM)

JOEY: (JUMPS, CLUTCHES HEART) Whoa! Hey! Mr. G., you scared me! I was Captain of the wrestling team, you shouldn't sneak up on old Joe Tornado! (MOCK BOXES WITH HIM)

EDWARD: I apoligize Joseph. I shan't make that mistake again. So, where are you taking Miss Daniels tonight?

JOEY: (SHRUGS) I don't know! I was thinkin' Arby's! (AL)

EDWARD: Ah, is that some romantic little getaway?

JOEY: No, but they're cheap! Best roast beef sandwiches around! It's a national chain!

EDWARD: Ah...one of those...fast food establishments...I would imagine Miss Daniels would perfer something a little more romantic!

JOEY: You know I thought of that...so I'm also taking her to one of those dirty dancing clubs! Get real close you know? (ELBOWS HIM)

EDWARD: (OFFENDED) I know...

JOEY: And then if I'm lucky (TAKES OUT MINTS) I'll get lucky! (AUDIENCE: "Ohh") Tic Tak? (OFFERS, AL)

EDWARD: No thank you...

(LES ENTERS DOWN STAIRS, IN SEXY SHORT RED DRESS AND PUMPS. AUDIENCE: "Whhooo!" BOTH JOEY AND EDWARD ARE SLACK JAWED)

JOEY: Baby, you look phat!

EDWARD: Fat? Sir she is anything but overweight! (AL)

LESLIE: (DRYLY) P...H...A...T! It means I look nice.

EDWARD: Oh, my error.

LESLIE: (BATS LASHES) So Joe! Where we goin'?

EDWARD: (INTERUPTS) Actually Miss Daniels I have a surprise for you both. I've taken the liberty of having a small private supper cooked for you both in the ballroom. You'll be completely alone...

LESLIE: That's really nice of you Mr. Gracey but we...

JOEY: Stay out of this baby! What's on the menu? (AL)

EDWARD: Roast rack of lamb...buttered carrots...Baked Alaska! Have does that sound?

JOEY: Sounds great!

LESLIE: (TAKES HIM OFF TO SIDE) Joey! I wanted to go out tonight!

JOEY: We will Baby! I was planning to take you dancing!

LESLIE: (DELIGHTED) Oh! Then I guess it'd be okay!

EDWARD: (RAMSLEY REENTERS CARRYING DRINK OF SILVER PLATTER) Wonderful. Ramsley shall be delighted to serve you tonight, won't you Ramsley?

RAMSLEY: (STONE FACED) I'm shaking in anticipation! (AL)

JOEY: Great! Say you got a guest bathroom where I can wash up? My Ma told me to always wash my hands before a meal! (AL)

LESLIE: Oh! Up the stairs, turn right down the hall, go down twenty doors, turn left, down the whole hall, turn right, go up a little set of stairs, thrid door on the right can't miss it. (AL)

JOEY: (CONFUSED) Kay...( TAKES DRINKS, DOWNS IT. AL. EXITS UP STAIRS)

LESLIE: (TO EDWARD AND RAMSLEY) Well I guess I better get washed up myself in my room. I'll be right back. Oh, and Ramsley! I want ya in an' out tonight like bellbottoms, Comprende? (AL)

RAMSLEY: Oui Mam'selle! (AL AS LES TRYS TO FIGURE OUT STATEMENT, WAVES IT OFF, EXITS UP STAIRS)

EDWARD: Is Ezra ready?

RAMSLEY: He's standing by, Sir.

EDWARD: Good. You know what to do. (EXITS BY FADING OUT UP STAIRS)

(SCENE FOUR: JOEY WANDERING AROUND MANSION LOST, OPENS DOOR HOPING IT TO BE BATHROOM, GASPS AT CROW FLYING OUT DOOR. RECOVERS. OPENS NEXT DOOR, GREAT WIND COMES OUT. SHUTS DOOR WITH CONFUSED LOOK ON FACE. AL. )

(SCENE FIVE, LES ENTERS SEANCE ROOM, TAPS CRYSTAL BALL)

LESLIE: Hey! Hey! Hellooo! Madame Leota! Leota!

LEOTA: (HEAD APPEARS, TURNS AROUND IN BALL TO LES ANNOYED) What? What? I was just watching the Yankees game! (AL)

LESLIE: My condolences. (AL) Madame Leota, I need a favor. Can you look into the near distant future and tell me if I'm gonna have fun tonight with my date?

LEOTA: Sadly no, I have to say. For your earthly companion will run away.

LESLIE: Run away? What for?

LEOTA: He's about to discover the secret of this house and those that will chase him out like a cat with a mouse.

LESLIE: (DETERMINED) Gracey! (EXITS)

LEOTA: (TO GAME) Ah come on Ump! That was on the line! (AL)

(SCENE SIX, JOEY WANDERING AROUND MANSION, TRIES A DOOR, GASPS AT BODY HANGING BY A NOOSE FROM THE CEILING)

JOEY: (SHOCKED) OMG! (SHUTS DOOR, EDWARD IS THE BODY, OPENS EYES, GRINS AS HE FLOATS DOWN)

JOEY: Okay, okay, okay! Just stay calm and find a phone...(PHONE APPEARS TO RIGHT IN BLUE MIST, JOEY JUMPS) Ask and ye shall recieve! (AL, PICKS UP RECIEVER, DIALS 911) Hello? Yous got to send someone over here right away! Someone's hung himself!

VOICE: (WE RECOGNIZE IT AS RAMSLEY'S; WHISPERS) Get...out...

JOEY: (WIDE EYED, CREEPED OUT, SQUEAKS) Yes sir! (AL, JOEY HANGS UP, BACKS UP, BUMPS INTO EZRA IN GHOST FORM AND DRESSED IN CHAINS, SCREAMS LIKE LITTLE GIRL, AL)

EZRA: (MOANS) Leave...Leave this cursed place! (JOEY FROZEN STIFF) Well what are ya waiting for an engraved invitation? (AL) GO! (JOEY SCREAMS, RUNS DOWN HALL. EZRA CHUCKLING TO HIMSELF, EMMA MANIFEST TO HIS RIGHT)

EMMA: What are you doing?

EZRA: (JUMPS) Ah! Don't do that! (AL)

EMMA: (HANDS ON HIPS) Are you scaring Mr. Joey? Why are you doing that? Les has been looking forward to tonight!

EZRA: He insulted your cooking.

EMMA: (EYES FLAMES RED, ANGRY) What! (AL)

(SCENE SEVEN; DOWNSTAIRS FOYER, JOEY RUNNING DOWN STAIRS, LOOKS OVER SHOULDER; EMMA MANIFESTS IN FRONT OF HIM AS GIANT ANGRY HEAD SURROUNDED BY BLUE MIST AND RED FLAMES)

EMMA: Who are you to insult my cooking? I went to the Boston Cooking School!

JOEY: (SHRIEKS LIKE GIRL, RUNS OUT DOOR.)

(EMMA UNMANIFESTS BACK TO NORMAL, EZRA, RAMSLEY AND EDWARD FAD IN BEHIND HER LAUGHING THEIR HEADS OFF AND CONGRATULATING EACH OTHER)

EMMA: (UNDERSTANDS) Oh! What did you make me do?

EDWARD: (STEPS FORWARD IN FRONT OF THEM) Don't be overly concerned Emma. We did Miss Daniels a favor by scaring off that reptile! Did you see the look on his face? (LAUGHS, BUT SERVANTS GROW SILENT AS THEY SEE A FURIOUS LES CASUALLY WALK DOWN STAIRS)

RAMSLEY: Sir...

EDWARD: (CONTINUES) I mean when I appeared as a hanging corspe, that was classic and when Ramsley told him to get out, I thought that was hilarious! But when you showed up in chains Ezra, I thought he was going to soil himself! (LAUGHS, LES COMES OFF STAIRS)

EZRA: Sir...

EDWARD: (CONTINUES) And the grand finale, that couldn't have been planned! It was so brilliant!

EMMA: (WORRIED) Sir...

EDWARD: (LAUGHTER FADS TO NERVOUS CHUCKLE) She's behind me isn't she? (AL, LES FOLDS ARMS)

EZRA: Well Sir have you ever heard the expression, 'If looks could kill...'? Well...just be grateful you're already dead! (AL)

(FAD OUT TO SCENE EIGHT, NEXT MORNING. LES SITTING AT BREAKFAST TABLE SET UP IN CONSERVATORY, EMMA SERVES HER JUICE)

LESLIE: Thank you Emma!

EMMA: Again...I just want to say I had no intentional part in last night! (AL)

LESLIE: And again, I say I understand...(DRYLY) for the seventy-second time this mornin'! (AL. A WHITE HANDKERCHIEF AND ARM MANIFESTS OUT OF WALL, WAVES AROUND)

EMMA: (AS LES GLARES AND TAKES UP NEWSPAPER) You can come in Sir!

EDWARD: (ENTERS THROUGH WALL, LOOKS AT LES. STOPS EMMA FROM EXITING WITH TRAY) Emma...how's her disposition this morning?

EMMA: Well sir, you know how she is around the twenty eighth day of the month? (AL, EDWARD NODS. EMMA TURNS A BIT DRY AND SARCASTIC) Like that times ten! (AL, EMMA EXITS)

EDWARD: (TO LES, TRYING TO BE CHEERFUL) Good morning Miss Daniels! (MOVES TO SIT IN OTHER CHAIR, LES TIPS IT OVER WITH FOOT, CROSSES LEGS, AL) I'll stand Thank you! (AL) Miss Daniels...how many times do I have to apoligize for last night?

LESLIE: (FROM BEHIND PAPER) How long you gonna be dead? (AL)

EDWARD: (LEANS ON TABLE) To be honest, I'm not sorry! That cretin was planning to take advantage of you and compromise your virtue! I did what any gentleman would have done!

LESLIE: (FOLDS PAPER) Okay, any gentleman woulda just tossed him out on his ear, not fad in outta nowhere and say 'Boo!'. (AL)

EDWARD: Well, perhaps my actions were a bit juvenile, but my intentions were good. You are my friend Miss Daniels and I couldn't have let that fool think you a common strumpet!

LESLIE: Lordy you're so adorable! (AL) But Mr. Gracey, I'm a bit girl! If he'd tried somethin' I would have kneed him right in the Fruit of his Looms.(AL) Besides, I practice absentnance! I believe a man and woman shouldn't engage in sex unless they're marriage...And those conceptional unions don't count cause living together's different than being married! (AL) So while I appreciate the thought behind the gester...I can take care of myself!

EDWARD: (TURNS CHAIR UPRIGHT, SITS CLOSE TO HER) But you're a lady! A lady should have a gentleman take care of her.

LESLIE: (LOOKS BITTERSWEETLY AT HIM) I've got news for ya. Gentlemen are dead. (STANDS AND EXITS, EDWARD STANDS AT HER LEAVING THE TABLE, THINKS TO HIMSELF AS HE SITS BACK DOWN. TAKES UP PAPER)

EDWARD: (AS IF TO LES) But the spirit remains...

(FAD OUT)

(TAG END)

(RAMSLEY STANDS BY AS EDWARD SITS ON SETTEE IN FRONT OF TELEVISION, EZRA SITTING ON EDGE OF ARM, MOCK BOXING)

EDWARD: HA! You know, I get used to this television cable. Do you realize that I almost never got to see a boxing match up close? And now I can watch one whenever it comes on!

(LES, EMMA RUN IN, LEOTA FLOATS BEHIND THEM, LES TAKES REMOTE FROM EZRA, CHANGES CHANNEL)

EZRA: Hey! We were watching that!

EMMA: Shush! (AL)

EDWARD: Miss Daniels, what could be so bloody important that you confiscate the television cable?

LESLIE: (AS IF IT'S OBVIOUS) 'Desperate Housewives' is on! (AL)

EDWARD: But...

ALL THREE WOMEN: Shush! (AL)

RAMSLEY: (AS EDWARD AND EZRA STAND AND JOIN HIS SIDE PERTURBED) Well, would anyone care for a drink?

EDWARD AND EZRA: Yesterday! (AL)

(FAD OUT)

(CLOSING CREDITS)


End file.
